Anything I Do
by LucretiaDecoy
Summary: Spin-off of my fanfic Anything She Does, telling the story of what happened to everyone else other than Hiei during the 10 years between the rock monster and Hiei's visit to paradise. Rating will go up.
1. Anything I Did

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, and make no profit from writing this.

**A/N:** I should be updating other ongoing fics instead of starting YET ANOTHER new one… But anyway here goes: this is a short (7 or 8 chapter) spin-off of my stupidly-long (but complete) fanfic "Anything She Does". This fic starts after the rock monster incident in chapter 1 of "Anything She Does" and fills in what happened during that 10-year jump made in the original story. Each chapter is told in first person POV, starting with Botan.

Written mostly because a few people have asked/speculated about what happened during those 10 years, and also because I'm hoping to shed some light on what the other characters went through during that time.

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**Chapter 1: Anything I Did**

I don't know how long I've been sat here. Sometimes it feels like just a few days, other times it feels like years. I don't suppose time really matters any more – just like it never did before. My existence here in spirit world, as a ferry girl, was always an eternal deal. I asked Ayame about it once, and she said we're not immortal, because an immortal is a creature that lives forever, and we've never been alive to begin with. She says we're simply eternal. I never really cared what that might mean before, which is quite stupid, I suppose, since my day-to-day duties these past few centuries have been collecting the souls of mortal creatures and guiding them to another plane of existence. But I suppose I never cared because everyone I knew or cared about was the same as me: Lord Koenma, Ayame and even George are all "eternal".

I got my first taste of mortality when I met Monzan Kadokura. Even though I knew exactly what had happened to him, in my mind I romanticised it. In my mind, he wasn't a mortal being who had lost his life and was transcending to an immortal afterlife where I could never reach him again, rather he was a hero, and his life was like an exciting story to me with an abrupt ending. I never really thought before how terrible and dark that story actually was: he died alone and in pain.

But I understand that now.

My next experience of mortality was when Genkai died – a pain I had to endure twice, after she was resurrected the first time around. I had never been so attached to a mortal before, and when she left spirit world to embark on her new existence in nirvana, I only then realised that I would never see her again. After just a few short years of her company, I had lost her, and I faced the remainder of my "eternal" existence without her. I often wonder if she remembers me where she is now, or if she ever thinks of me. I'll never know, of course, because she's beyond my reach. She died peacefully, and with friends around her, in the comfort and safety of her own home – and even though I was there, and even though I have been around to witness countless deaths, it never occurred to me that there were good and bad ways to die.

Until now.

Naturally, as an "eternal" being, I never expected to ever experience death first-hand. I watched it happen, I embodied it, but it would never happen to me – or so I thought. I was so flippant and thoughtless, I never realised that, every time I took my human form, I was at risk of dying at any time. I should have realised it, of course, after having experienced all manners of strictly mortal things when I spent long periods of time in a human body in the living world. I should have realised that I could die in that body because I quickly realised that I could give life in that body, and that idea has had a profound effect on me. But I was stupid, and I didn't consider it. Although, even if I had known, I wouldn't have done anything differently. Even now, with the benefit of hindsight, I still can't imagine myself not trying to save Hiei.

I've always been a little afraid of Hiei – but that's no secret. He is intimidating, and he has come close to killing Yusuke on more than one occasion. I've watched him in sparring sessions with the others, and I know that he hits to hurt. Yusuke laughs about it and makes jokes about how intensely Hiei trains, but the truth is, Hiei never trains, he just fights, and he fights to win. I used to think that he always fought with honour, but now I'm not so sure. Now I think that maybe he just fights to shed blood and cause pain. Although I was always afraid of Hiei, I always respected him and, even though he ignored me and had no real likeable traits, I did like him. Lord Koenma once warned me that Hiei was not like the others: Hiei was someone we wanted as an ally only because he was too dangerous a fellow to have as an enemy, he said.

I suppose I should have listened.

I should have paid attention, I should have seen the signs. Hiei wasn't just ignoring me, he genuinely never saw me, or anything I did, despite all the missions we went on together. He saw Yusuke and Kurama because they were worthy opponents to spar with, he saw Yukina because she was his sister and a link to the past he is so conflicted about, he saw Koenma because he is a figure of authority and he saw Kuwabara – but only because Kuwabara was strong and because he spent a good deal of his time pursuing Yukina's affections. He never saw me because I'm not a fighter, I have no authority or power and the only skills I brought to the team were ones he despised or thought ridiculous: he always hated the spirit detective tools I carried around and he always mocked anyone who let me use my healing powers on them.

So really I shouldn't have been so surprised when he left me to die.

I knew he was going to leave me. I knew he wouldn't come back, I could see it in his face when he turned around. He was quite far away, and there was a heat haze in the air that was distorting everything around me, but the look on Hiei's face was unmistakable. When he first turned, I saw a brief glimpse of something, but the second I called out to him it vanished. He almost looked glad. Perhaps he was. Perhaps he thought that finally I had been useful to him, because I had saved him the bother of having to fight off the rock monster. Or perhaps he didn't think anything at all. He didn't even know my name when Koenma tried to make him apologise to me afterwards. I can't even say that he had forgotten my name, because it was plainly obvious that he had just never even bothered to learn it in the first place.

He didn't even think that I was real: and, if what Ayame said about us ferry girls being separate from other beings, maybe he had a point.

I'm not real in the same sense that Hiei, Yusuke, Kurama, Keiko, Yukina, Kuwabara or anyone else is. I can't die, and if I can't die, how is it possible for me to live? And if I can't live, how is it possible for me to feel? But I do feel. In this form and in my human body, I feel everything. I hurt just like mortals do, physically and emotionally. I laugh, I cry and I love. I feel emotions the same way anyone else does. When I was dying, I felt alone, truly and completely alone. There was nobody else there, and even if there had been, I felt so detached from the world, I think I would have felt alone anyway. I was cold. I don't know if that was because of the burns – which strangely left me feeling cold after the initial heat – or if it was because my body was shutting down, but I definitely felt cold. I felt my heart sinking in my chest, I felt the blood slowing in my veins and I gradually lost control of my body until all that was left was a vague sense of my own physical presence.

I just wanted someone to hold me.

I think I could have accepted my fate if Hiei had shown some remorse. If he had said that he knew I would return to spirit world, or made some other reasonable excuse for abandoning me, and if he had apologised sincerely, I could have accepted it. I don't think I could ever have trusted him again, but I could have moved on. He'll never know how badly he has hurt and disappointed me, and I'm sure now that even if he did ever realise, he still wouldn't care. If he was an evil soul, maybe it would be easier to excuse, but I know that, on some level, Hiei does have the capacity to care about others, because he clearly cares about Yukina. And if he can care, and he does care, why did he not care that he hurt me so badly? He didn't even care when he saw everyone else become angry. He didn't care when Yusuke and Kurama disowned him, he didn't care when he was banned from the living world and he didn't care when he saw how broken I was. I'd never cried openly in front of anyone before that moment – in the past, I've always hidden away before allowing myself to cry, and I'd only been seen crying by those who had snuck up on me in one of those moments – but Hiei didn't care that I was crying. He didn't care that I helped save him, he didn't care that I had been trying to help, he didn't care that everyone else thought he was wrong, and he didn't care how much I was hurting.

Hiei never cared about anything I did.

I don't know if I ever expected Hiei to care about the things I did, but I did think that he at least noticed. I think, deep down, I saw him as something of a hero – once again, I romanticised the story of one man's life, even though it was nothing more than a tale of hardship and cruelty. So in a way, I suppose I am the only one to blame for how I feel now. I did this to myself, really. I should accept that and move on, get back to work ferrying souls. The next time Koenma rallies the old spirit detective team together to solve a mystery or quash a foe we will be missing one member, but as Hiei never really interacted with anyone much, it surely won't be too difficult for any of us to adjust.

But, I don't know if I ever will go on another mission with the old team, because I've lost the ability to take my human form.

My human body died, and, Lord Koenma told me, the physical form had been gifted to me as a special privilege, one which I had practically abused by letting it die. I can't return to normal, because normal is no more. I try to tell myself that I managed for many decades without ever having a human body to use in the living world and that I can manage again, but secretly I had become attached to that body, and all the privileges it granted me. Truthfully, I fell in love with that body. I'm not supposed to fall in love with anything or want anything for myself or hide any secrets, but I very selfishly and very secretly loved my human body, because, as long as I was in it, I felt one step closer to silly thoughts that had lingered in the back of my mind over time: in that body, I could have taken a lover, and I could even have had children of my own.

And it's that very thought that has brought me to where I am now.

Lord Koenma very kindly let me cry myself out in my own room after Hiei so cruelly dismissed my feelings, but once I had lost the strength to cry any more, he tried to encourage me to mingle with my spirit world friends, and to ultimately return to my duties. He came to my room every morning and took me out for a walk – he was always in his adult form when he arrived, though I'm not really sure why he chose to do that – and it was quite a calming experience. I felt quite honoured: the prince of spirit world abandoned his own pressing duties to spend time with a common ferry girl like me. For all he is quite quick to anger and rather bossy and sulky at times, Lord Koenma is very wise, he has a kind heart and he genuinely cares for the good of humanity. He was very patient and understanding, but even he gave up on me when I did something quite ridiculous: I don't even know why I did it, I wasn't even thinking when I acted, I just couldn't stop myself.

I saw the spirit of a little boy being ferried in for placement in the afterlife, and I literally pounced on him.

I just couldn't let go.

It took three ogres to wrestle the boy free from my arms and drag me back to my room. I wasn't thinking clearly then – the only real thought I could feel was that I had to hug him, I had to hold onto him – but, after King Enma knows how long I've been alone in my room ever since, I've started to realise just how ridiculous my behaviour was. I can now see the way the other ferry girls were looking at me, I can see the look of confusion and suppressed anger in Lord Koenma's eyes and I know that if I had seen another ferry girl grab a little boy into her arms and become hysterical with tears for no apparent reason, I would probably think that she had been tainted or possessed by a demon.

Maybe that's what everyone else thinks of me, and maybe that's why nobody has come to see me since.

I'm too ashamed to show my face outside of my room, I'm too upset about how Hiei treated me to smile about anything and I don't think I could trust myself not to do something just as ridiculous again if given half the chance. I don't know how long I've been sat here. Sometimes it feels like just a few days, other times it feels like years. I don't suppose time really matters any more – just like it never did before.

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**Next Chapter:** Five years on, Yusuke is on his way to a meeting in demon world, and tensions are high as the threat of war is looming. He reflects back on various things, including life without Hiei, his relationship with Keiko and his future as a ruler of part of demon world. **Chapter 2 – Anything I Say**


	2. Anything I Say

**A/N:** More because chapters are nicely short. Yusuke's POV. Rating up for language.

Also, as is probably obvious by the end of this chapter, I'm trying two different things in my writing here: using the character's voice for the prose and reflective writing (ie chapter begins and ends the same way).

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**Chapter 2: Anything I Say**

I'm pissed off. Keiko says it's not anger, it's fear, but what does she know? She's done nothing but nag me lately, and I really don't need the extra hassle. I've got enough on my mind without her, or anyone else, giving me a hard time. Raizen made this shit look easy. I hate that bastard, he died at exactly the wrong time. He died before I could get stronger than him, and he died before he could properly tell me what ruling his kingdom was really all about. He made it sound sexy and exciting: he spoke about that human chick he banged who ended up being my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother and he spoke about epic battles with Mukuro and Yomi that lasted weeks. He never said a damn thing about politics, speeches, negotiations and laws.

It's demon world: isn't it meant to be a lawless place?

Besides, this is like admin work, right? This is the sort of shit Hokushin should be doing for me. I'm pretty sure he would have done it for Raizen. He would have stood up alongside Mukuro's representative and Youda and given all those pointless speeches and signed all those meaningless papers, but he won't do it now. I don't think it's because he preferred Raizen to me, I think it's just because he doesn't like Mukuro's latest ambassador, Hitoshi. I think Hitoshi conned Hokushin into donating money to something one time, and he's never trusted him since. And so now I have to pick up the slack. Yomi has Youda to do his boring political work, Mukuro has Hitoshi, and I have me.

Politics and modern history were subjects I always skipped at school.

I suppose I could go out and hire myself a diplomatic advisor, but it's too late for that this time around. Keiko was moaning that I should have listened to her and hired someone a long time ago, and, even though I hate to admit it, she's right. Sort of. I should have hired someone a long time ago. I can't now because no-one will take the job at a time like this, but once this blows over, I probably should look into getting some brainiac onto my team to deal with pointless shit like this so that I don't have to. I'll ask Kurama about it when I get back, he should know someone. Kurama knows everyone in demon world worth knowing, and he knows how to find anything and anyone. Which is great for him and Yomi. Kurama probably could do this politics stuff that I can't, but he doesn't have to because Yomi has Youda. And Mukuro always talks really well, she could probably do her own political things without an advisor, but she has Hitoshi.

Which is probably just as well: Hiei would hardly be any use as a speech-giver and peace-maker representing an entire kingdom.

That's actually a really funny thought, and, for the first time in about a week, I have a reason to smile. Hiei's a tactless, vicious bastard. I haven't seen him since he practically killed Botan five years ago, but I've heard a few things about him. He's still banned from the living world, Gandara and my territory, and he's never even tried to break that agreement, but that doesn't mean I haven't heard things. When we have these stupid political meetings – which happens quite a lot these days – I always ask Hitoshi about Hiei, and he always tells me the same thing: Hiei spends all his time training, eating, sleeping and meditating. But of course, I know that Hiei's not meditating. He's using his jagan eye to watch people like Yukina. I never did tell Kuwabara that Yukina is Hiei's sister, and now I'm glad that I didn't, because it would just make things super awkward for him if he thought Hiei was secretly watching him the whole time he was with Yukina.

It's weird though, the last time I asked Hitoshi about Hiei, he said something about his tail and then went quiet, but I couldn't see any tail on Hitoshi, so I don't know what that was all about.

I don't think I'll ever see Hiei again, and sometimes that makes me angry. Keiko tells me I'm grieving the loss of a friend because, deep down, I still remember him when he was a friend, before he betrayed Botan; but Keiko twists anything I say.

It's funny – sometimes in a way I can laugh at and other times just in a weird way – that when I do think back to the days when I was working as a spirit detective with Kurama, Kuwabara and Hiei, everything we did back then seems so simple now. Sometimes I do wish it was still like that, just because being a leader is way more difficult than I thought it would be. Fighting Toguro and tracking down Sensui seems like fun after what I've been through these last few years. It must have been this difficult for Raizen to be a leader too, but he just pretended it was easy to look cool. Or maybe it was more complicated than that: he said what kept him going through the difficulties was his love for my great-great-great… For my ancestor, and I suppose I've got the same sort of thing with Keiko.

But maybe not so much lately.

Keiko doesn't understand what I'm going through. She's always telling me I should spend more time in the living world and commit more fully to my job: I work five days a week as a chef at her parents' restaurant, I don't see how more committed I could be. She wants me to learn about managing the money and advertising and buying supplies, but her parents do all that crap, I'm just there to cook. I think she wants us to take over the business one day, but her parents aren't that old, they'll still be running the place for a long time yet, so it's not like she needs to worry about something that far away in the future. She's always worrying about the future, but me, I couldn't really care. It's not like we can predict the future, and the past is already gone, so I really just think about right now, and right now I'm on my way to demon world to play politics again.

Though maybe if I'd taken Keiko's advice and thought about the future a few months back, I would have some monkey to do this sort of crap for me, and I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.

I guess maybe I should think about the future, but Keiko thinks about it so much, it doesn't always seem like I need to think about it too. I go to these political meetings and I hate them and I dread them, but they usually always end up turning out the same way: Youda talks cryptically about some bullshit that's basically incitement to riot, I decline to comment – a trick Kurama taught me – and then Hitoshi lightens the mood and either talks until everyone forgets why there's a problem or else he actually fixes it somehow. I'm there as the ambassador for my territory, but I'm not really there to make a difference like Youda and Hitoshi, because the outcome is always whatever Hitoshi wants it to be, and anything I say doesn't really change that.

I wonder if I could get Hitoshi to work for me instead.

I sometimes think about what Yomi and Mukuro would do if they lost their diplomatic advisors – so I guess that means I do sometimes think about future things – and it usually makes me laugh, because although they could both talk for themselves if they wanted to, Yomi would probably give the job to Kurama and Mukuro would use Hiei. When I think about that I laugh, but then I remember what Hiei did and I get angry again. It's been five years, and he hasn't even tried to talk to anyone of us, not even Kurama. He was never exactly the most sociable of guys I knew, but he was at least loyal. Sort of. I mean, he was always there when we needed him the most. I couldn't always count on him for little things, but in a crisis, he was usually the ally we were all the most thankful to have.

I wonder if he ever thinks about us, or what he did to Botan.

I don't see so much of Botan now, partly because I haven't worked for spirit world since that incident with Hiei, and partly because she's changed and she doesn't like being around us so much any more. At least, I think that's what her problem is. It's like anything I say makes her start acting weird or want to leave. I think maybe she sort of blames me for what happened to her, because I was the one who made her go after Hiei. I suppose I should have sent Hokushin, but if Hiei had let him die, he'd be gone completely, and I'd be completely alone at these stupid meetings. Not that I think Hokushin's soul is more important than Botan's, just that she at least got revived. Sort of.

I think about Hiei a lot at times like this. What he did to Botan was wrong and really bad, but what's happening in demon world is way worse than that. I'm seeing and hearing things I don't like, and I know Kurama knows more than me, and I can tell he isn't sleeping, so the situation must be bad. We have all these little meetings and talk about stuff, but I think that only fixes small parts of what's a way bigger problem. I think something terrible might happen some time soon, but it's difficult to figure out, because it always seems like it's far away, and I don't really think much about the future. I think I should probably ask Kurama about it though.

Sometimes thinking about what might happen makes me sick.

Keiko doesn't understand. She thinks the most difficult thing in life is getting a good job or making money or buying a house. Sometimes I feel like we're worlds apart. Sometimes it's nice because when I'm with her and she's nagging me about her own life-plan, it helps me forget about what's going on in demon world. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I resent her because her life is so much easier than mine, and she's not even grateful for it. Sometimes I feel completely relaxed when she's talking about things we did together when we were still just dumb little kids. Sometimes I just get totally pissed off because she tries to bribe me into abandoning my duties in demon world to spend more time with her: does she think that she's the only one who's had offers? I could have had my share of women in demon world too, but I never rub that in her face. And she has no idea how difficult things get in demon world sometimes. And she never will.

She hears me, but it's like she's not really listening when I tell her how important this stuff is, and she's getting worse at ignoring the problem and dismissing anything I say.

I don't know why she won't listen to me. Kurama thinks she's scared, and maybe she is, but she's not the one who has to sit through those meetings, to see the faces of some of those assholes who are trying to push all three factions of demon world into a place I don't want to go. If the worst does happen in demon world, I'm the one who has to deal with it, I'm the one who has to take the blame for it and to fight for it, I'm the one who should be scared. Keiko will be safe here in the living world, just like she always is whenever I have to deal with something difficult in demon world, so what the hell does she have to be so scared about?

I don't usually think about the future much, but I do dream about it quite often. I dream about what it will be like if those bastards keep causing problems and Hitoshi loses the ability to talk them down. I dream about it, and it's terrible. But the stupid thing is, the dreams I have are the same as the dreams I used to have when I was spirit detective back in high school: I dream that I'm fighting Kurama and Hiei. That used to be the best dream ever, but now it's like the worst nightmare possible. I don't know that Hiei wouldn't try to kill me, and Kurama is so quiet and secretive, I don't really know if I could completely trust him, either. He's pretty ruthless when he becomes Youko, and if he returned to demon world to join Yomi's army, he probably would become Youko permanently, and who knows what that would do to his personality.

When I think about it, it just makes me really, really angry.

I'm pissed off. Keiko says it's not anger, it's fear, but what does she know? She's done nothing but nag me lately, and I really don't need the extra hassle. I've got enough on my mind without her, or anyone else, giving me a hard time. Raizen made this shit look easy. He never said a damn thing about politics, speeches, negotiations and laws: and I don't think I can handle any of them any more.

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**Next Chapter:** Another year later, and the situation in demon world has worsened, and Kurama is faced with a difficult decision. As he considers his options (or rather, his lack of options) he considers what he has given up and what he has lost in recent times. **Chapter 2 – Anything I Decide**


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